Friday, May 8, 2009

Looking Forward

Yesterday I met with a new doctor. I'm new to the area, so I needed a doctor. She is so nice! I love her. She's so young, too. I'm 32, and I think she's younger than me or about my age. We both went to the same college, so we had lots to talk about.

I told her about my problems ttc, and she's referred to me a OBGYN to start a fertility workup. I feel so much better now, so much more in control of my ttc odyssey. She also ordered some blood tests to check for certain hormones. I hope those show up all right!

My blood pressure, weight, and everything else checked out okay.

I'm 6dpo today: what this means is that I'm incredibly anxious. I want to know if I made a little baby this month or not, but it's way too early to test. I ovulated later this month that I usually do: cycle day 17. That's way late for me. I usually 0 around cd13 or cd14. This better be one super egg!

I used Preseed this month. I mean, I used it because lots of women have gotten their BFP with it, but they usually use it because they don't make any EWCM (egg white cervical mucus). I make tons and tons of it, usually starting about five days before I ovulate, but I thought I would try it anyhow. I mean, it can't hurt right?

Let's see.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

AF has let me know that she's coming,

and perhaps I should make preparations for her. I don't like having to entertain uninvited guests, and believe me, she is never invited. What should I do for her today?

Well, she isn't here just yet, but my BIG temp drop this morning lets me know she's coming. My temp dipped below my coverline to 97.7. I'm never in the 97 range during my luteal phase. I'm also cramping, so I know she'll be here today or tomorrow.

I stopped wearing tampons. Every fertility book I've read says that tampons are a no-no, not just for ttc, but also for overall health. Apparently there's a lot of toxins in tampons, and unless you can easily track down all-natural, organic cotton tampons, you're better off sticking to pads. I didn't use to always wear tampons. I only started when I was 21, when my college roommate convinced me that it wasn't scary to stick this thing up you and leave it in for hours. I was always horrified by the idea.

I don't bleed very much, not as much as I did when I was younger, and this concerns me a bit. The fertility books I read say that you should have at least three days of a good flow. My flow is heavy the first day, but not really anything much for the next two.

I guess when you're ttc and you're not pregnant, you start to think everything is wrong with you.

I know I'm haunted by visions of block tubes.

Hubby is having his sperm tested soon. I bet he'll pass with flying colors. He'll probably have superman sperm.

I let myself have caffeinated chai tea this morning as a treat. I gave up caffeine last month. I've noticed that I didn't get PMS this month, and I always have PMS. I mean, I'm always feeling tired, fatigued, depressed, and low-energy right before my period. This month, I was full of energy and in a good mood. I also had a good appetite, and I usually have no appetite before my period. So, if you suffer from PMS, I recommend getting off caffeine.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Another BFN

In trying-to-conceive speak, BFN means Big Fat Negative, and that's what I got again today.

My temperature is also at 98.0, which it never drops to until I'm getting my period. So I guess I'm out again this month.

I wonder why my husband and I were ever so careful about not getting pregnant. I mean, we didn't have anything to worry about. Not getting pregnant is easy; getting pregnant is hard.

I started researching reproduction endocrinologists (RE) yesterday. I was thinking that if I didn't get pregnant this cycle that I should initiate contact with one.

Something from my past keeps coming into my mind: when I was in high school, I got chlamydia from my boyfriend. He told me that he always used condoms and didn't have any STDs. I don't know how long I had the chlamydia. I was turning 16 the first time I had sex with him (the condom broke during sex), and I wasn't diagnosed until I had just turned 18. So, theoretically, I could have had chlamydia for two years, and during that time, it could have caused tubal scarring or even blockage.

But that's not all. Later, in college, I had an abnormal pap smear. The doctor said it was most likely from HVP. There wasn't an HVP test yet back then. My cells were precancerous, so they had to do a cone biopsy of my cervix. The abnormality cleared up on its own, and I haven't had an abnormal pap since. It's been 10 years now. But now I'm worried that my cervix is all messed up because of that. Again, this is because of the same boyfriend.

I did break up with him my senior year of college. Young boys don't realize the damage they cause by lying. They don't suffer because of chlamydia or HPV. Women can stand to lose the chance to ever conceive because of these STDs.

So that's why I want to see an RE. I'm worried that I can't conceive because of scarring. But I'm scared that the RE will think I'm going in to early.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

A Big Fat Easter Negative

Being Easter and all, today, I was really hoping to be able to show my husband a positive peestick. I'm ten days past ovulation, and I've had negative peesticks from day 8. I test obsessively, because other women get early positives, so why not me?

I think I will hold off testing again, however, until my period is late. It's too shameful and painful to see that stark white in the test area.

I have been trying to conceive for seven cycles now, since September of 2008.

Everyone, it seems, is pregnant but me. I have two pregnant co-workers, a pregnant neighbor, and a pregnant friend. My sister-in-law just had a baby.

I'm starting this blog to keep my worrying/stressing/obsessing under control and maybe reach out to other women in my position.

Trying to conceive can be a long and lonely journey.